Feedback on this moving text please

H! After a long pause I went and put down procedures for my Hunter x Hunter game and I believe there are experts in this community that can help me se them clearly without sweating it to much.

To frame the game intent some, I want to emulate Hunter x Hunter with a stress on Drama and Puzzle solving. The game wants to help players make Challenges both meaningful (drama) and challenging (puzzle solving). I walk in the tracks of @DBB David Brunell Brutman’s Hogwarts RPG, with much of the mechanical aspect of the system relying on transactions of Conditions. Characters be affected, be moved, make it count !

Here it is:

1- If you have little time for it
I’m trying a form longer than one page and extruding the game as it comes to me. Please let me know how it suits or fights your personal way of reading: be it the tone, order of presentation, Too Much Information, etc. except for the layout because oviously.
I plan to present rules in this order : 1 Overall Presentation 2 Example of play, playbooks and a gameplay cheatsheet 3a Procedures for idle scenes, 3b Procedures for Challenges, from introduction to resolution 3b Pocedures for long term play, namely Quests and Advancement 4- Details on how to play in various styles 5- maybe a lexicon or FAQ if it’s needed.

2- If you have time to skim something coherent from the document, please comment on the procedures themselves, and suggest ways I can deepen them (depth=meaning/complexity) for drama and puzzle solving.

From this post’s title I expected you asking for feedback on “moving text” as in some 90s graphic design :sweat_smile:

That said, as someone that saw the anime a looooooong time ago, I’ll look into your document and let you know if I have any useful feedback :wink:

Thank you!
The text has changed a lot. Here’s what you need to know to focus your feedback:

  • It appears I need an example of play for each chapter.
  • I am working on character playbooks, them too will structure a lot how you read the rules that follow, like how Conditions can pave your Character narrative arc.
  • The challenge procedures right now are very flat. I want Challenges to “slot in” easily, wtithout loopholes or doubts (that would work against necessary mutual trust). The “fun” will be in the Challenges themselves.

Thanks again for the feedback, on point.

Oh I am in no way done with it. I just have a busy week and were not able to go past the first page >_<
If anything I’m sorry for being so slow :slight_smile:

Ok, I read through it and offered some comments I hope you will find useful.
For the sake of brevity I didn’t put too much effort in being gentle and polite… if anything reads a bit too direct and harsh, please know that that was absolutely NOT the intention :heart:

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Thank you very much for the exactitude of your feedback. Far from hurting my feelings it tells me precisely where I need to “harden” guidance, to say things in another, complementary way, to rewrite until the rules answer on their own your interrogations. You know your help is precious thank you!

Once again, your feedback is gold! Thanks.

I made progress.

Now I need to write how to make good encounters, adventures and a short campaign. I think I’ll be through this summer.

I am beginning to use this thread as a development log.

I realized I want to make a game with a modular resolution method. From the beginning I wanted to make Challenges that would be easy to “slot in”, rather than a bunch of sub-systems and modules. So I’ve decided to publish this game as a dorsal spine, and in parallel a few mini-games and techniques that can stand on their own.

This is the first technique I’ve edited enough to show: Happy Winter!